Male spaces are because women are irritating

Women have a very loose and casual relationship with consequences

Many internet men have pointed out the dwindling of male spaces, while internet women cheer for their disappearance.

Internet men believe that some kind of man-space is essential. A place for men to be men, mentor other men, and tell younger men the secret wisdom to get their lives on track. That if only we had these spaces, everything would be great for men because we’d all know the secret wisdom that doesn’t actually exist.

Internet women believe that male spaces are dens of misogyny. Places where trollish men want to gather, away from the eyes and ears of right-thinking people, so they can poison other men with hate and bigotry.

Which is silly. Men don’t hate women because other men told them to. They see women being women, and that does the trick just fine. In fact, if a man is getting hourly blowjobs from every woman whose path he crosses, then some group of troll men try to tell him women suck, he’d be confused at how uninformed these men are when women are clearly awesome.

Women’s behavior is the number-one driver of misogyny. Not men telling other men women suck.

And that’s the point of male spaces. Not secret manly-man wisdom, not chattering about woman-hate. A space where men can just be. Without women there.

Women are… a certain way.

This is especially true of middle-class and richer women, and even a little more true of white women than other kinds. But true of all women to some extent.

Women have this way about them — everything they do, say, everything about how they behave — that just subtly communicates that they do not have a lot of experience with consequences. That they are just not that used to considering consequences seriously before doing something.

I’m usually hesitant to use political buzz-words in a non-ironic way, but I think the term “privileged” is pretty perfect for this situation.

A woman’s reality — her experience — is a world where consequences just aren’t quite as big of a deal for her as they are for others. She’s never really had to consider consequences with quite the same intensity.

It’s important to note that this isn’t some kind of overt, intentional flaunting as women stride around, consequence-free, thumbing their noses at us. Women don’t even know this is a thing. They’ll deny it fiercely if you tell them. They don’t feel privileged, and their feelings are always real. They’ll even tell you that you’re the privileged one, not them. Because that feels right to them.

It’s not something they do on purpose, and it’s not even that frontal and pronounced. It’s very subtle. Just this subtle way that women are. When they talk, act, make decisions.

This makes them very irritating. Even women find each other irritating.

So when men get together for a boys’ night, nobody invites his girlfriend without making darn sure everyone is on board with it being a mixed-group night. And when a group of boys are out, you ask around and make sure everybody there is okay before you invite a woman to come hang out. Because some guys might not want a woman around. Because of how women are. They don’t always want to deal with that.

Once a woman’s there, the entire character of the gathering changes. The way everybody speaks and acts changes to account for the women and how they are. Nobody is quite as comfortable when the privileged, low-consequence women are listening and offering thoughts that come from a reality and experiences that aren’t quite applicable to the rest of us.

It’s worth restating that women are not bad or malicious about this. It’s not like they chose to be born into a world that has universally decided to put the girl consequences in kid gloves. From the moment they’re little girls, the world bends over backward to shield them from the sharp edges of reality. Teachers go easy, parents coddle, friends excuse mistakes, and later, boyfriends, husbands, bosses, and even strangers step in to smooth things over.

A woman screws up at work? The instructions probably weren’t clear. A man? He’s incompetent and was supposed to know how this worked without having to be instructed. Many such examples. So women learn they can push boundaries, say dumb things, act impulsively, and someone will always be there to catch them. Daddy, a simp, the government, HR — pick your safety net.

I suppose the reproduction bottleneck evolution excuse applies here (assuming that’s not just me catering to women’s privilege). Historical societies that protected women grew faster and took over the world, while men could be a bit more disposable. Which is probably why nobody comments that I’m pretty if I post cute selfies on X and I get fired if I cry during a work meeting.

The irritation comes in when the low-consequence bubble that is female reality makes women tone-deaf to the struggles everyone who’s not a woman faces. They’ll chime in on a conversation about grinding through a tough job or dealing with rejection, and their advice boils down to “Just be yourself!” or “Things will work out!” — Because that is literally their reality. In their world, just showing up and things working out is pretty normal.

The way women are makes it clear that a universe with no second chances, no sympathy, and being out after a screw up is like a foreign country they’ve only read about.

That’s the truth that makes male spaces sacred. It’s not about plotting how to create the Handmaid’s Tale in real life or chanting anti-woman slogans (but our slogans are definitely top-notch). It’s about dropping the filter. Talking shop without someone interjecting from la-la land. Cracking jokes that might offend delicate sensibilities without someone who barely has to worry about offending anybody demanding your accountability. And venting about a bad day without hearing, “Well, actually, women have it worse.”

A vegan at the steakhouse being accommodated changes the steakhouse’s entire vibe. This is true whether the vegan knocks over all the tables and screeches that meat is murder, or the vegan is polite, deferential, and requests nothing. The vibe still changes.

Male spaces aren’t about excluding women out of spite. (Though the way they are is definitely super-irritating.) It’s more about a place where people who actually know what a consequence is can go recharge, far away from people who don’t.

As for misogyny in those spaces, the best way to fix misogyny is probably not to tell men that as a woman, you demand they shut up and only talk in certain ways.