Human Sock Puppet states in one of his guides: women take behavioral cues from the people around them. We are a social species and regulate our emotions watching what's going on around us.
Since the world is so big and complex and unpredictable and there's a lot we don't know an efficient strategy is just do what others around you are doing (because they are not dead and it must mean whatever they are doing must be the right thing to do)
In the example, the woman asking means : i feel bad this might be important. You dismissing it (after having acknowledged her concern) means: nothing to worry about, you can stop feeling bad.
"You broke the drywall in the garage, Sweetheart? That's excellent. Didn't I tell you that my great grandparents had a tradition that whenever the drywall gets broken, you have to put on some music right away and start dancing? A minute of dancing for each inch of drywall damage. <grabs her hand> let's go!"
No fooling, one of the most romantic moments in her life was early when we were dating. I spent the night at her apartment. It was one of the rare days when we got the barest hint of snow in Texas. So she was waiting until it was a little later to leave for work. I was waiting until it was a little later to leave for the gym. I made pancakes, and while we were washing dishes, I randomly said "Why isn't there music?" She found some, I grabbed her, and we danced in her kitchen for a minute or two while it was snowing out. Women love random cute stuff like that.
"If you’re ever having trouble “holding your frame”, the problem isn’t that you’re bad at this skill called frame. Your problem is that you’re not being honest about what your frame, a.k.a. your reality, actually is."
Good points. You essentially need to be immune to her emotions and so deep into your own mission and priorities so as to not bend to her emotional reality
Really hard to do in a long term relationship with a lot to lose.
As you say, have fun, make her forget about what she's feeling
So a man's frame with a woman is being the bull-fighter. Sounds right. And love. Sounds right. Not really hard for a guy. So, she's in our frame. I guess the real problem comes when she decides that she will not accept our love.
I disagree, her reality is her reality and my reality is my reality. I don't care how she sees my reality, because I trust myself enough to know what's right for me and by me.
I’m an autistic woman and I’m terrified of people, even people I trust. I have a hard time even looking them in the eye. If an interaction is even slightly contentious my mind just wipes blank and I start to flit between flight, freeze or fawn (I don’t fight). So yeah I’m bad at holding my frame. It causes issues to say the least
One thing if I may. Try starting with „I’m terrified of…”. Skip autistic.
Why? Because autism cause some problems. Problems we could name and take care of. You cannot treat ASD. You may change many things, adapt.
I have ASD. Doesn’t matter. I learned how to look in the eyes. How to look sexy in the eyes. How to smile. How to do things despite ADHD. How to better feel my body. Better coordination. Treated anxiety. Took care of my mind jumping on topics during conversation (btw. writing by hand helps).
Many other things. Life is better. I am also taking advantage of some things. I am what I am. I play with cards I have. Addressing specific issues. Building my identity on how I act, not on having ASD. And I discovered that I can overcome some issues. Some I can’t. The question is what I can do in life, what I want. And accepting my possibilities and restrictions.
It’s not different than for people without ASD on some level. Other set of restrictions.
Human Sock Puppet states in one of his guides: women take behavioral cues from the people around them. We are a social species and regulate our emotions watching what's going on around us.
Since the world is so big and complex and unpredictable and there's a lot we don't know an efficient strategy is just do what others around you are doing (because they are not dead and it must mean whatever they are doing must be the right thing to do)
In the example, the woman asking means : i feel bad this might be important. You dismissing it (after having acknowledged her concern) means: nothing to worry about, you can stop feeling bad.
"You broke the drywall in the garage, Sweetheart? That's excellent. Didn't I tell you that my great grandparents had a tradition that whenever the drywall gets broken, you have to put on some music right away and start dancing? A minute of dancing for each inch of drywall damage. <grabs her hand> let's go!"
No fooling, one of the most romantic moments in her life was early when we were dating. I spent the night at her apartment. It was one of the rare days when we got the barest hint of snow in Texas. So she was waiting until it was a little later to leave for work. I was waiting until it was a little later to leave for the gym. I made pancakes, and while we were washing dishes, I randomly said "Why isn't there music?" She found some, I grabbed her, and we danced in her kitchen for a minute or two while it was snowing out. Women love random cute stuff like that.
"If you’re ever having trouble “holding your frame”, the problem isn’t that you’re bad at this skill called frame. Your problem is that you’re not being honest about what your frame, a.k.a. your reality, actually is."
This is deep.
Good points. You essentially need to be immune to her emotions and so deep into your own mission and priorities so as to not bend to her emotional reality
Really hard to do in a long term relationship with a lot to lose.
As you say, have fun, make her forget about what she's feeling
Whatever.
So a man's frame with a woman is being the bull-fighter. Sounds right. And love. Sounds right. Not really hard for a guy. So, she's in our frame. I guess the real problem comes when she decides that she will not accept our love.
I disagree, her reality is her reality and my reality is my reality. I don't care how she sees my reality, because I trust myself enough to know what's right for me and by me.
I’m an autistic woman and I’m terrified of people, even people I trust. I have a hard time even looking them in the eye. If an interaction is even slightly contentious my mind just wipes blank and I start to flit between flight, freeze or fawn (I don’t fight). So yeah I’m bad at holding my frame. It causes issues to say the least
One thing if I may. Try starting with „I’m terrified of…”. Skip autistic.
Why? Because autism cause some problems. Problems we could name and take care of. You cannot treat ASD. You may change many things, adapt.
I have ASD. Doesn’t matter. I learned how to look in the eyes. How to look sexy in the eyes. How to smile. How to do things despite ADHD. How to better feel my body. Better coordination. Treated anxiety. Took care of my mind jumping on topics during conversation (btw. writing by hand helps).
Many other things. Life is better. I am also taking advantage of some things. I am what I am. I play with cards I have. Addressing specific issues. Building my identity on how I act, not on having ASD. And I discovered that I can overcome some issues. Some I can’t. The question is what I can do in life, what I want. And accepting my possibilities and restrictions.
It’s not different than for people without ASD on some level. Other set of restrictions.