Dates are a screening tool, not a romantic event

The more you have to sacrifice to see her, the less she's into you

Dates, on their face, are not inherently a “romantic” event. Which makes sense when you think about it.

What is a date, after all, except a fairly casual meeting? You can have coffee, ice cream, drinks, a meal, take a walk, see a movie, play miniature golf, or any other type of “date” activity with anybody. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your children. Even your parents or other relatives. Nothing about a date activity has anything to do with romance or sex.

What makes one of these meetings a “date” and not just a regular meet-up with friends is the intent you and the other person (presumably) have regarding the encounter. You and the other person either specifically discuss and agree, or assume based on context, that the purpose of your meeting is a “date” — you are meeting to screen each other for initial or ongoing romantic and/or sexual compatibility.

So the difference between a fun outing with friends and a “date” is that you and the other person are using this date as a screening tool. A filter. An audition process, really.

That doesn’t sound very romantic. Or sexy. Or fun. Honestly, most people would probably rather be out having acutal fun with their friends.

Once you’re involved in a relationship with someone, your dates still aren’t inherently romantic or sexy. Now that the initial screening process is over, going out together to eat food or get drinks is pretty much the same as going out with your friends, just with kissing and sex after. Except your dates are a little bit less fun because there’s always that undercurrent of expectation. The ongoing screening process. You two are supposed to constantly feel something special and feel like you’re deepening that connection and not screw up or say or do anything stupid or the other person may dump you.

So your relationship dates are a higher-pressure meeting. Still less fun than just hanging out with your friends.

If you think about it, there’s not much difference between “hanging out” or “spending time together” and a “date”. If you go to the grocery store with your wife or girlfriend, then run a few more errands, cook dinner together, pour some wine, have dessert — then you’ve spent all day together hanging out and doing stuff. That was an amazing opportunity to continue deepening your connection, getting to know each other, and not screw up or say or do anything stupid, just like you’d do on a date.

But when you try to have sex afterward, she stops you and says you haven’t been spending enough quality time together. Not enough date nights. You were together for eight hours, but that doesn’t count as quality time for her because it wasn’t a “date”.

What’s the difference? Sacrifice. Investment.

She will only be satisfied if you sacrifice. Set aside special time where you are not doing anything else except being with her, planning activities where she will have fun to show you’ve thought of her, and spending as much money as you can afford on the date to show her how invested you are in her.

If you did not sacrifice in this way, you have not given her the opportunity to screen you for an appropriate level of investment. Which is the purpose of dating: to allow her to screen and filter you.

If she enjoys your trip to the grocery store together, and cooking dinner with you at home, that’s dangerous for her. She may be feeling something for you after that, but you didn’t sacrifice or invest enough, so she can’t be sure you’re feeling the same thing. There’s a power imbalance!

Every so often on social media, the topic of women complaining about inexpensive dates resurfaces for another round of rousing gender war rants. Women declare that dates should involve fancy dinners to try to impress and court the woman. That women should refuse coffee dates because coffee is cheap. Even refuse drinks. A man is not sacrificing enough or showing enough investment unless the date is sufficiently fancy and expensive.

But as noted above, there’s nothing inherently romantic or sexual about eating fancy dinner together. Or having coffee. Or getting drinks. Or going for a walk. The issue women take with a coffee date isn’t that coffee is any more or less romantic or sexual than a steak. It’s that coffee is cheap and steak is expensive. The man must sacrifice to prove his level of investment by doing expensive things and not cheap things.

If she enjoys going out for drinks with you, that’s dangerous for her. She may be feeling something for you after that, but you didn’t sacrifice or invest enough, so she can’t be sure you’re feeling the same thing. There’s a power imbalance!

If you aren’t sacrificing when you go on dates with a woman — if you’re seeing her for cheap or free — then you could be doing this with dozens of other women. You could be trolling the dating scene for easy sex, playing the field with lots of women to see what options you have, and not necessarily be that into her. Only by requiring you to sacrifice can she feel comfortable — because a man’s not going to spend a bunch of money on steak dinners for dozens and dozens of women he’s not serious about.

She can’t be sure of your intent if she’s letting you play for cheap or free. Only by you sacrificing can she be sure you mean it.

But, of course, that’s a power imbalance in the other direction.

When a guy meets a girl for a high-investment “date”, she has all of the power in that situation. He has placed himself at her mercy and is hopeful that she has honest intentions to give him a genuine chance at romance and /or sex. But he can’t be certain about that.

Because she is showing up for cheap or free. She is not sacrificing. She could be showing up for cheap or free for dozens of men, enjoying the things they give her, even when she’s only vaguely lukewarm about a tiny chance for romance or sex, if that.

Ultimately, this issue boils down to trust, and nobody trusts anybody. Especially early in the dating process. If she lets you date her for cheap or free, she doesn’t trust your intentions. But if she won’t show up for cheap or free, you don’t trust hers.

Internet Men: Make no mistake, dating is a negotiation.

The price you are able to negotiate tells you exactly how interested she is. Women go home with guys they just met for the cost of a drink (and sometimes not even that) all the time. Those guys didn’t have to sacrifice too much.

If she’s not doing that with you, and is insisting on a fancy meal, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s out to cheat you out of a dinner and laugh all the way home about how she tricked you. Maybe you’ll still score after dinner once in awhile. But that does mean she’s not as into you as she was the guys she’s gone home with after a vodka soda.

Act accordingly. The money to take a lukewarm girl out for sushi could buy drinks for three girls who actually like you.