The default situation

If it's not a hell yes and it's not a hell no, it's a message

A common occurrence in marriages and relationships is as follows:

You are in bed with your wife or girlfriend. You want to have sex. She hasn’t been grabbing at your crotch all evening and telling you how badly she wants to have sex, nor does she have a high fever and can barely move except to run to the toilet to vomit. She’s somewhere between those two extremes. You haven’t seen her most of the day because you’ve been at work. So here in bed, you don’t have a lot of information to go on regarding where she’s at mentally regarding sexy times. So you start your usual suave way of initiating sex - whatever types of touching and kissing and saying sweet or dirty things she usually seems to like.

This encounter can go several different ways:

1. Hell yes, she wants to have sex. Let’s say this is the case maybe 10% of the time for an average woman. She might have even come at you herself if you’d left her alone for too long.

2. Hell no, she is definitely, hands down, not in a place physically, mentally, or emotionally to have sex tonight. This is the case sometimes. It’s not even about you, usually. Let’s say this happens maybe 10% of the time as well. She might even express irritation that you tried to have sex and didn’t pick up on whatever invisible signs she thinks she’s been displaying.

3. The other 80% of the time, she is not “hell yes” or “hell no”, more like “Well… this wasn’t what I would have done tonight if he hadn’t said anything - certainly not my preference, but I’m not unwilling and I do enjoy sex with him and he really wants to and I do like making him happy… Hmmm…”

That third item is the barometer for how your marriage or relationship is doing. What happens in that third situation tells you exactly where things stand, in no uncertain terms.

Most of the time, if you leave your woman alone while the two of you are in bed, she’s going to screw with her cell phone then fall asleep. That’s okay. Initiating sex is your job. Most women aren’t going to initiate with you unless it’s been awhile, which would mean you haven’t been doing that job of yours very well.

Something many, many husbands complain about is that in order for their wives to be in the mood for sex, a confluence of perfect circumstances have to occur. She can’t be too tired. Or too wired. Or too full. Or too hungry. It can’t be too hot or too cold. The kids have to have behaved just right, work has to have gone just right, stuff with friends and family have to be issue-free, and so on. The stars must align for her to be in the mood for sex (in other words, a “hell yes”, from above).

If you’re in a relationship where the default is “we don’t have sex unless” and that unless usually turns out to be everything in the woman’s life going pretty darn well with no significant issues or irritations — and if that’s ever not the case, she’ll turn you down flat and sometimes even bitch at you for wanting to have sex — I’ve got some bad news for the state of your relationship.

Forgetting about game or The Red Pill or masculinity or femininity for a second, if you are in that situation:

-You are with a woman who does not turn toward connecting with you and being more intimate with you in times of stress, trouble, difficulty, and irritation.

-You are with a woman who does not see you as a teammate, just another irritation she sometimes needs to deal with.

-When she encounters life’s difficulties and stresses, she prefers to work through those on her own, and maybe if she has some time and energy left over for you, after those things are resolved, she might deign to have sex with you, if it’s been awhile.

-She’s not on this journey with you. She’s on a journey of her own and you happen to be next to her.

Modern feminism, our gynocentric social order, or whatever boogieman you want to blame for the current social standards, is heavily in support of this being the norm. In their preferred world, if a woman is not “hell yes”, and obviously so, waving eagerly at you with air traffic controller flags while pointing at her vagina, then you mentioning sex more than a single time (and the time you said something sexy 4 hours ago and she didn’t tear her clothes off then counts as your one time) would be creepy rapist behavior that’s pressuring your abused woman into sex she clearly doesn’t want.

A set of social norms where the default is “we don’t have sex unless”, with the unless part being everything the woman’s heart, mind, and soul desire being in the right place at the right time is pretty on brand for the dreaded gynocentric social order. And if your woman has you in a relationship where the default is “no sex unless”, see above. You’re not in a relationship. At least not in the traditional sense. You’re on two parallel journeys. Maybe you can call each other “partners” or something.

The opposite default situation is clearly more ideal, not just for your sex life, but for the health of your relationship: When one of you wants to have sex, the default being “we have sex unless”, with the unless part being significant physical or emotional issues that make sex difficult or not possible, speaks highly of your relationship. In that situation, you’re with a woman who connects with you often, and even turns toward intimacy and connection in times of difficulty and stress. She feels like you and she are on this journey and facing those difficulties together.

Of course, modern society pisses all over that idea. What sort of oppressive rapist husband or boyfriend would want there to be a good reason for his woman to not want to have sex with him? She doesn’t need a reason!

You know what? Modern society is right. She doesn’t need a reason. She doesn’t have to make up reasons about being too tired, wired, hungry, full, hot, cold, or irritated at the kids, friends, family, work, you — none of those are actual reasons anyway. Her real reason in that case is “I don’t wanna. I’m not that into you right now.”

Act accordingly.